Grass patches becoming bald because of football

From ‘Grass patch not a suitable place to play football’. 28 July 15, ST Forum

(Cheng Ming Kang): I am a resident in Redhill and, unlike Mr Simon Owen Khoo Kim San (“Let kids have a place to play football”; last Thursday), I am relieved that football is no longer being played on the grass patch downstairs.

Playing football at that green patch poses two problems for nearby residents. First, as the area is not meant for playing football, the grass patch has become bald in parts after many months and looks unsightly among the surrounding greenery.

Second, as the grass patch is not a proper area for football, there are no barriers to prevent the ball from hitting residents who are in the vicinity.

In fact, I have observed multiple occasions where there were near misses. There are proper places where football can be played safely for both the players and residents.

Sports Singapore has opened up football fields in schools for public use, and there are two schools in our neighbourhood.

We’re no longer living in kampung days when you can kick a ball around in any open space and not worry about your neighbours complaining. They may even join you in a round of spontaneous frivolity. The Fandi Ahmad tribute video titled ‘Ordinary’ is a throwback to the organic, dusty age of village soccer. The legends we know today did not fall in love with the the sport inside gated school football fields under the watchful eye of PE teachers; they challenged strangers in their backyard, they used slippers as goalposts, they didn’t have useless offside rules, and when they’re done they got a trouncing from their moms for messing up their shirts. Cue Fab commercial.

Today, with grassy patches becoming ever scarcer that you have to fight for space with picnicking foreign workers or dog-walkers with their bags of poo, most ‘street soccer’ as we know it has ended up on basketball courts. Which partly explains why Singapore sucks in both sports; you can’t play a full court match of either game without having to give way when the other party tries to score a basket, or a goal, on either end. These days, you’re more likely to see people playing cricket on a Sunday in an open patch by the MRT station. Sometimes there’s this lone guy sitting on a grass patch all by himself and no one wants to enter the field in case they interrupt his quest for nirvana.

Playing in void decks remains illegal, you can’t kick around in your own home without the neighbours complaining, and that open field you used to tumble about in has become barricaded for development of yet another carpark or fitness corner which ends up as an outdoor clothes rack. Lack of open spaces aside, our boys and girls are simply not interested in the ‘beautiful game’ anymore, which you can lay the blame square on parents for believing there’s ‘no future’ in the sport, and forcing you to go for tuition instead of roughing it out and getting dirty with your kakis. Or you could blame the internet for us being ranked below bloody Barbados in the FIFA standings.

When you do eventually find a spot for footie, you get residents like the writer above telling you off because your running about is marring the natural landscape, or they’re scared shitless about suffering concussions from careening balls. Such fears are not unfounded of course, though it’s just as likely that you’ll get felled by killer litter when you’re walking around your block,  knocked down by someone on a bicycle or electric scooter, or get your eye impaled by a smashed shuttlecock gone awry. I’m always wary of being hit in the face by someone’s flying shoe when I’m in the vicinity of a sepak takraw match.

Lawrence Wong would love to see kids playing soccer in random places, of course, despite all the ominous ‘State Land’ signs that tell us to stay the hell away. Unless some wealthy philanthropist with a passion for local soccer decides to open up his backyard to public, we’ll remain a space-starved nation with more people wearing wannabe club jerseys than those actually owning, or playing with an actual football.

Son of Punggol and Darryl David as AMK GRC contenders

From ‘Potential candidates seen on the ground’, 26 July 15, article by Wong Siew Ying and Lim Yi Han, Sunday Times

…Over at Cheng San Community Club, two potential PAP candidates mingled with residents from Ang Mo Kio GRC at a Hari Raya celebration. They were Temasek Polytechnic’s School of Design deputy director Darryl David and colorectal surgeon Koh Poh Koon.

…Dr Koh lost in the 2013 Punggol East by-election to the Workers’ Party’s (WP) Ms Lee Li Lian. The experience has given him a “psychological prep” and has minimised the “shell-shocked factor”, he said, adding that the ability to understand issues that are of concern to residents is also an advantage.

Dr Koh seems to be taking a different tack from his rags to riches sob story when he was running for Punggol East SMC 2 years ago, where he called himself a ‘Son of Punggol’ and told everyone how he had only $12 in his bank account at one stage of his life. This time round, he’s selling his medical profession as a ‘touchpoint’ for different strata of society, under the umbrella of the PM’s GRC. Pity he didn’t have another go at Punggol though, where he can strike out on his own, as he once proclaimed (I’m my own man!). His sense of toilet humour would have provided us all with some…campaign entertainment.

The colorectal surgeon was once caught on video single-handedly unclogging drains of dead leaves during a flash flood, which would have been great PR if he hadn’t mentioned the word ‘ponding’. Getting shit out of holes with bare hands is all in a day’s work for him really. Come on, how many MPs do you actually see sticking their fingers into longkangs?

Truth is, our Prime Minister seems to fancy this guy, and by swaddling the Son of Punggol in a 6-member GRC, he’s much less likely to get the crap kicked out of him, not to mention ‘shell-shocked’. Defeat is impossible in the AMK stronghold. You don’t just send in any Opposition A-team into this GRC. You send goddamn Spartans. For those who followed his 2013 campaign trail, we probably already know all there is to know about his kampung days, and giggled enough at the endless shit puns that he had to suffer with. Now, tell us all a good fart joke Dr Koh!

Darryl David, first making a name of himself as the host of the long defunct Pyramid Game, is an interesting choice. As a former celebrity, his life and career in the entertainment scene is likely to come under the spotlight. If he gets on board with the PAP ticket, he’ll probably be the only candidate to have ever acted on a Mediacorp sitcom (Happy Belly). He also joins the list of mixed-race, articulate, good-looking politicians, including former NMP Eunice Olsen (who once worked on Wheel of Fortune) and ex-Speaker of Parliament Michael Palmer. This guy looks set to go on a charm offensive, which is what the PAP thinks the ground needs. Be afraid. Be Belly Afraid.

You’ve got served

Incidentally, Dr Koh is the medical director for Capstone Colorectal Surgery. According to the website intro, a capstone is defined as the topmost stone of a structure such as a PYRAMID. Coincidence?

EBRC not transparent about boundary changes

From ‘More detailed explanation needed to fend off gerrymandering claims’, 25 July 15, article by Siau Ming En, CNA.

Noting that the boundary changes announced on Friday (Jul 24) were not drastic, political analysts nevertheless felt the Electoral Boundaries Review Committee should explain in greater detail the rationale behind its decisions to fend off perennial accusations of gerrymandering from the Opposition.

Singapore Management University law don Eugene Tan said the generic reasons given for the redrawing of boundaries, which include taking into consideration population shifts and housing developments, still leave many questioning how they were done.

“Because sometimes voters are unable to explain or even observers are unable to explain why the boundaries were redrawn the way that they are, that fact lends itself to possible criticisms of gerrymandering,” he said.

The committee said it “reviewed all the existing electoral divisions, taking into account their current configurations, population shifts and housing developments since the last boundary delineation exercise”. It also followed guidelines by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong to reduce the average size of the GRC to fewer than five members, and have at least 12 single-seat wards.

Former Nominated Member of Parliament Siew Kum Hong said: “Insofar as the committee does not provide clear and detailed reasons for its changes, it will trigger speculation and conspiracy theories — which may or may not be justifiable or grounded in truth — about the reasons behind its decisions, and that is not healthy and not conducive to a resilient political culture in Singapore.”

National University of Singapore (NUS) sociologist Tan Ern Ser said the changes were significant but “not exactly earth-shaking”, adding that he had expected some three-member Group Representation Constituencies (GRCs).

Gerrymandering is the carving up of electorial boundaries to benefit one political party, and is the kind of word you shouldn’t toss about willy-nilly in case you get ‘Roy Ngernged’.

In a 2009 dialogue session, the EBRC explained that they’re made up of senior civil servants such as the chief statistician and the heads of the HDB and SLA, and considers ‘population growth and movement’ when recommending changes. When quizzed whether such a committee was in fact non-partisan without being pressured by the PM himself, a member from AGC clarified that civil servants owe their allegiance not to the PAP, but the President, a ‘politically neutral institution’. Yes, we trust these people are ‘politically blind’ even if our current President was once a PAP-man himself, and all civil servants just got a SG50 $500 handout. And oh yes, even if the Chairman of the EBRC so happens to be Tan Kee Yong, Secretary to, erm, the Prime Minister.

Prior to independence, our Government set up the first ‘Electoral Boundaries Delineation Committee’. Despite being chaired by the Perm Sec of the PMO, all registered political parties were ‘invited to give their views by way of memoranda’. Today, nobody is consulted on whatever’s going on in those boardrooms, and then boom!, your Changi Village is now officially part of goddamn Siglap, though both places, for all practical purposes, are worlds apart. Which makes you wonder if the EBDC are using an actual Singapore map, or the one that Frodo uses to get to Mordor.

The population shift reasoning is shaky for certain enclaves such as Joo Chiat, which is made up almost entirely of private residences, and has a schizoid history of getting in and out of GRCs (from 1959 to 1988, then 2001-2015 according to NMP Yee Jenn Jong). The fact that PAP incumbent MP Charles Chong won over Joo Chiat with a slim 51% margin had nothing to do with it being swallowed up, I suppose. Similarly, back in 1997, PAP garnered 54.8% of votes in Cheng San GRC, and it was dissolved completely before the very next election cycle. In that same year, Braddell Heights SMC, which the PAP escaped by the skin of their teeth when SPP’s Sin Kek Tong contested in 1991 (48% votes), was engulfed by Marine Parade GRC. Chiam See Tong remarked that residents woke up one morning and realised that they were in Marine Parade, without the beaches.

To give the illusion of ‘fairness’, some sacrificial lambs from the PAP have been offered to the EBRC altar.  Lui Tuck Yew and Dr Yaacob see their beloved Moulmein-Kallang dissolved to their disappointment. One consolation is the rise of Jalan Besar GRC from the dead, which Yaacob is already staking a claim on. Only the EBRC knows why one is dropped while another is resurrected. I wonder if those guys take the MRT or are fans of social media. Opposition wards were left untouched for obvious reasons. Even the ghost of LKY can’t deal with the repercussions if the PAP were to stick their fingers into the WP Aljunied pudding.

Despite our PM’s call for smaller GRCs, the two SUPER GRCs AMK and Pasir-Ris-Punggol still remain as 6 member teams, each helmed by the PM himself and Deputy PM Teo respectively. Some of the ‘conspiracy’ theories about jumbo GRCs is that it makes it difficult for Opposition to summon the numbers to contest, that there is ‘safety in numbers’, especially if key ministers need to be ‘protected’. Another ‘benefit’ of XXL GRCs is that it allows nobodies to ride on ‘coattails’ of anchor ministers. After the last election these GRCs served as a training ground for newbies and 4 years on, we get to see the likes of Tin Peiling, formerly a latch-on to Marine Parade GRC and poster-child for everything wrong with PAP, grow up and take on Macpherson SMC. Today no one ever mentions racial diversity among MPs as a reason for humongous GRCs, which incidentally, was the original intention of setting up GRCs in the first place. Maybe the refrain ‘One People, One Nation’ is finally setting in. Or is it ‘The more the merrier’. For the ruling party that is.

If you look at our PM’s GRC, there’s still a majority of Chinese with 1 Malay and one Inderjit Singh (who decided to retire from politics altogether). Why the ERBC didn’t splinter one SMC out of each supergroup to make it a maximum of 5 across the board for all GRCs is shrouded in secrecy. They probably wouldn’t throw out Dr Intan Moktar out into the wild. Not after what happened with her and the Yang Yin saga. Pasir Ris Punggol GRC has a similar racial and gender profile, and if there’s someone who should break out and claim an SMC, my recommendation would be the guy who has a workout named after LKY, Teo Ser Luck.

Or maybe all this is an elaborate ploy to get Singaporeans passionate in politics, for what is politics without lies and deceit, rumour-mongering and hot-headed drama?

Overeasy sexy buns ad banned for showing butts

From ‘Eatery’s cheeky ad removed’, 23 July 2015, article by Jessica Lim, ST

A cheeky advertisement that raised eyebrows has been removed, after the eatery that put it up was ordered to do so by the advertising watchdog here.

The large billboard ad, featuring three scantily clad women exposing their buttocks, was put up by OverEasy Orchard, an eatery that is taking over the space occupied formerly by Wendy’s at Liat Towers. Beside the image was the tagline: “Seriously sexy buns. Two are better than one. Smack that. Aug 2015.”

The Advertising Standards Authority of Singapore (ASAS) ordered the eatery to remove the ad as it was deemed indecent and in breach of the Singapore Code of Advertising Practice (SCAP), an ASAS spokesman told The Straits Times in response to queries.

…When contacted, lifestyle company The Lo & Behold Group, which runs OverEasy and other restaurants, said that the ad was meant “to celebrate the female form” and that it intended to showcase OverEasy’s “characteristic cheekiness and irreverence”.

“The Lo & Behold Group apologises for how our advertisement might have made women feel,” said a spokesman for the group.

She added that the marketing for OverEasy, including the ad’s design, was done by an all-woman team. “To us, it is about women feeling sexy and confident in their own skins.” She said the phrase “lo & behold” has long been used colloquially to introduce something distinctive and impactful.

…Madam Raja Lachimi, 55, a housewife who has an 18-year-old daughter, said that such advertisements were “embarrassing” and “objectify women”.

She said: “That’s one reason I don’t take my daughter to Orchard Road. There are unsavoury locations there such as Orchard Towers and there are advertisements like the one at OverEasy.”

“I don’t think my daughter is ready for such ugly sights. I am happy they took it down,” she added.

ASAS decided to butt in and take it down

In 2010, Overeasy ran a ‘Fill My Cups‘ promo offering free booze to women based on the size of their breasts. 5 years on, they’re still in business despite complaints of ‘objectifying women’, proof that sex does bring in the booty, so to speak.

Lo and Behold is also the group behind ‘Extra Virgin Pizza’, which features ads like this:

All in the spirit of naughtiness then. ‘Lo and Behold’ is more an anachronistic expression than a ‘colloqualism’ as described, used most emphatically by medieval knights who managed to unlock chastity belts of damsels in distress. Looks like the group has all the erogenous zones of a lady covered in their campaigns.

It’s a shame that an 18 year old can’t even go shopping with her friends in town because she may stumble into sexy ads, be it the giant torso of Abercrombie and Fitch, or the simulacrum of a vagina by the Ministry of Waxing. Truth is, tits and ass are all over the heartlands as well, from semi-nude lingerie ads to Burger King ads that hint at fellatio. Did I also mention that she was EIGHTEEN?

The explanation about ‘women feeling confident about themselves’ is rubbish, considering the ad is all butt and nothing else. ‘Confidence’ is for sanitary pads and underarm whitening sticks, not light snacks. Subtlety is not Overeasy’s forte, and they’re downright shameless about it, even suggesting BDSM with the phrase ‘Smack That’. It’s crass, unimaginative and a sign that the marketing folks, whatever gender they belong to, have hit rock bottom when it comes to ideas for innuendo. A short skirt revealing a hint of undies is far more provocative than in-your-face buttocks, though the authorities may ban that too in case it increases the rate of people taking upskirt videos.

Stray chickens spotted in Singapore

From ‘Stray chickens spotted wandering around several parts of Singapore’, 22 July 2015, article by Lee Min Kok, ST

Singapore may strike some as a concrete city, but stray chickens have been seen wandering around various parts of the island in recent months.

A concerned member of the public living in the Stirling View and Mei Ling Road neighbourhood in Queenstown had wrote in to Stomp recently to report several sightings of chickens in the neighbourhood.

She had highlighted the issue to the Agri-Food & Veterinary Authority (AVA) and the town council, but attempts to catch the birds were reportedly not successful. Stray chickens also appear to be thriving in the Fort Canning area.

According to Mr B. L. Koh, who goes on regular jogs in the vicinity, stray chickens can be spotted at three locations – near the Fort Canning Hotel, the Central Fire Station on Hill Street and the Sri Thendayuthapani Temple along Tank Road.

Unlike other flying birds like pigeons, crows and mynahs, chickens don’t shit on our cars or heads, and neither are they legally considered ‘pests’ that need to be culled. In fact, one particular species with a glorious flaming red comb is known as the Red Junglefowl, an endangered species. If there’s any ‘concern’ by the complainant it’s probably paranoia over bird flu, in which case, he or she should also sound the alarm on every flock of pecking pigeon that you can find in almost every neighbourhood. ESPECIALLY WITH LITTLE CHILDREN CHASING THEM ABOUT OH DEAR GOD!

In 1983, an ST forum writer lamented about his missing cockerel in the Chip Bee estate, whose ‘strident’ morning cry would bring some ‘kampung’ vibe to an otherwise staid concrete jungle, Mother Nature’s alarm clock that would make you arise with a smile rather than stumble about shit-faced grumpily reaching for the snooze button. The cock’s crow was welcomed as the ‘sweetest of nature’s melodies’, a sound that’s all but extinct today. Without cocks, we’d have to settle for the shrill buzz of crickets and lizard chirps, a creepy-crawlie orchestra to soothe our senses against the barrage of chugging engines, MRT trains and neighbours banging goddamn cutlery early in the morning.

Others didn’t take too kindly to the constant crowing, though. Still, it’s not like these chickens are grazing around HDB flats to the annoyance of humans. They’re not bothering anyone, not picking at leftovers in a hawker centre, or charging at little children, not attacking your Sheng Shiong plastic bag of groceries, so why the fowl mood? Aren’t we supposed to be a ‘City in a Garden’, where you can find the occasional otter family, monitor lizards, Lyssa zampas or even an owl in the Istana?

That video of chickens frolicking about on a grass patch was strangely therapeutic, and pity that some people fail to appreciate the simple joy of animals running wild, and complain to the authorities with a cock-and-bull story that we’re facing a chicken epidemic. Imagine an AVA officer chasing a squawking bird and failing miserably. Now that will go viral – I’m cocksure of it.

901 people arrested for attempted suicide in 2014

From ‘More arrested for attempting suicide’, 18 July 2015, article by Tee Zhuo, ST

More people were arrested for attempting suicide last year, according to latest police figures as of June 8. Last year, 901 people were arrested for trying to kill themselves, compared with 862 in 2013.

The 4.5 per cent increase in arrests, however, may not necessarily be a cause for alarm. Experts said the rise could be due to better intervention by third parties, such as family, friends and the police. Under Section 309 of the Penal Code, those who attempt suicide can be punished with jail for up to a year, or with a fine, or both.

…The number of suicide deaths in 2013 was 422, down from 467 the year before. Statistics for last year have yet to be released.

…While suicide is illegal, those arrested are often referred to professionals. Some are let off with a stern warning, said experts. Statistics from the State Courts show only five cases filed, with at least one charge under Section 309 of the Penal Code, last year. This figure is also the lowest in a steady decline from 16 such cases in 2010.

Lawyer Peter Ong of Templars Law believes the suicide law should be abolished as it does not serve as a deterrent. “Knowing they may be arrested if their attempt fails may push them to complete it,” said Mr Ong.

Like section 377A, the suicide law is an archaic one descended from British colonial rule. According to psychiatrist Chong Siow Ann in an ST article last year, this has roots in Christian theology, whereby St Augustine decreed that killing yourself was a ‘mortal sin’ equivalent to killing God since He made Man in His image. In a 2007 editorial, Dr Chong cites the astonishing statistic that more Singaporeans die committing suicide than from road traffic accidents every year. The rest fail miserably, and either carry on with their unhappy lives with the crutch of antidepressants, counselling, religion, or get arrested if they’re unlucky, a rare few getting charged and put on probation only after 10 unsuccessful attempts.

Which begs the question of what exactly is an ‘attempted suicide’, and how the police differentiates this  from one that is merely attention-seeking behaviour with no real intention to die. A man jumping in front of an MRT train is a clear indication, though he failed so horribly in the attempt that he only complained of ‘back pain’ after falling onto the tracks. Earlier this year, another man was arrested for sitting on a ledge and ‘dangling his legs’. It wasn’t reported if he was threatening to jump or was just there for the view.

Quarrelling couples threaten each other all the time. Antics such as raising one leg over the bedroom window, or holding the kitchen knife against one’s abdomen in the middle of a shouting match may seem more dangerous than someone perching on a ledge all by himself, but these people don’t get sent to the police station. Neither do we arrest those who pop 20 tablets of Panadol thinking it would send them into a blissful eternal sleep when all it does is send them to the hospital, if anything happens at all. One particular patient survived after swallowing 120 tablets.

A published paper explained that 3 conditions needed to be fulfilled before the state presses charges: 1) Repeated attempts 2)Wasted resources 3) When other offences are committed in the process, like injuring another person. In 2006, a man was charged based on the last criteria after falling on and breaking a girl’s leg in his misguided attempt. Both survived, partly because he jumped from the THIRD STOREY of his block.

The suicide law itself may very well be a double-edged sword, on one hand deterring those with half-hearted intent from tempting fate and allowing time for intervention, while pushing others determined enough to complete it.  Since the law is not applied most of the time, it’s probably ineffective in weeding out people who just want to mutilate themselves for sympathy and may not even be diagnosed with depression in the first place, like teens cutting their wrists and uploading their battle scars on Facebook, probably driven by the same reasons behind children their age actually taking their own lives.

Our government may even be AFRAID of repealing it in case it leads to an actual INCREASE in suicide attempts and deaths. So until there are figures that show beyond a shadow of a doubt that decriminalisation works, I doubt they’ll pull the plug on this piece of legislation.

Couple taking wedding photos with a coffin

From ‘Undertaker couple take coffin-themed wedding photos’, 12 July 2015, article by Wong Kim Hoh, Sunday Times.

…Many people will cringe and cower but Ms Jenny Tay, 29, and her fiance Darren Cheng, 30, have opted for a casket as a prop in a series of pictures taken for their wedding in October. Their reason? They are dead serious about their profession and their wedding. Both are in the funeral trade. “Our business is very much a part of our lives,” said Ms Tay, managing director of Direct Funeral Services. “When couples take wedding pictures, many of them think of something significant and meaningful to them – their favourite cafe, the place where they first met.

…Two geomancers contacted told The Sunday Times that the pictures are acceptable because of the couple’s profession. Mr Danny Cheong from Cheong Geomancy Consultancy said: “It’s all right if it’s a new coffin.”

Ms Yvonne Teh from Five Arts Geomancy Consultancy agreed and said: “Many Chinese businessmen consider coffins lucky because the Chinese word for ‘coffin’, guan cai, can also mean official and wealth. In fact, many people keep little coffins as good luck charms.

Geomancer Adelina Pang, however, said that, while the pictures are fine as keepsakes, the couple should not display them at their wedding reception. “It is taboo for many people and will turn them off,” she said.

Till death do us part

Till death do us part

Before the coffin couple decided to up the ante and bury the concept of traditional wedding photoshoots once and for all, our superstitious uncles and aunties already had grave misgivings over ‘black-themed’ weddings. In a tragic newlywed double-death in 2010, there were those who believed that the choice of colour at the wedding ‘sealed their fate’. One should also not drive anywhere near a cemetery on your big day, in case the supernatural powers that be decide to ruin it for you in the most ironic way possible – by sending your salon crashing headlong into a tombstone. That doesn’t stop come couples from taking their wedding shots in a cemetery, though. You can still have your photoshoot at Bukit Brown before it gets bulldozed over.

Bride and gloom

If not something morbidly ‘pantang’, people also tut-tut at photoshoots which were considered ‘too sexy‘. Some of these pre-nuptial erotica, instead of coming off as ‘sensual’, may turn out be a campy, unintentionally comical disaster. Like this groom rowing a wooden raft clad like he just came out of a steaming hot bath ready for sex. I have no idea what the bride is doing. Acting as a sail, perhaps.

While nervous relatives would go ‘CHOOYY!’ at the idea of a bride and groom locked in loving embrace in a coffin, one mustn’t forget that couples already spew the taboo ‘D’ word when they exchange wedding vows during solemnisation.  Death and love is a couplet celebrated in literature and poems since time immemorial. The star-crossed lovers in Romeo and Juliet were doomed from the beginning, and since then, you can’t discuss true romance without mentioning death, like wine and cheese, or steak and potatoes. Married folks talk about ‘growing old together’, and ‘holding hands’ at their deathbeds. This undertaker couple decided to embrace mortality and transform a grisly image into a declaration of, well, their undying love. In 1961, a grieving man literally married his ‘corpse bride’ before her funeral. She died in a fatal accident before what would supposedly be the happiest day of their lives. What else could you describe such an act other than that of a ‘die-hard romantic’?

Not everyone considers the final resting place before you’re burnt to ash inauspicious, though. Some choose to lie in coffins and ‘play dead’ to cleanse themselves of  ‘bad karma’. Others get excited when they see the corpse box and start scribbling down numbers for 4D. When LKY died, the numbers of the licence plate of his hearse were sold out (it was 8898, by the way). There’s no reason why Singaporeans should be uncomfortable with death, given how we like to punt around it. Couples in the same profession take shots of themselves in labs (scientists), libraries (writers), operating theatres (surgeons), or in front of a classroom blackboard (teachers). Why can’t two lovebirds in the funeral business do the same, exuding gothic chic with a coffin?

I wonder what Jenny and Darren’s wedding banquet would be like. A bride in the UK once arrived at her wedding in a coffin, herself in the funeral trade. Maybe they’ll come down the aisle in a hearse, with guests, dressed like they were going to a funeral, tossing joss paper instead of confetti. The wedding favour, instead of a boring keychain, could be a tiny tombstone, engraved with their names. The video montage, instead of a tired story of their lives from infancy to couplehood, an imagined timeline reversal from the point of their sacred union onwards, till a glorious finish, six feet under.

They should choose their guests carefully though; you don’t want that distant uncle with a bypass ending up in a coffin himself after the reception.

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